Have you ever been given an apology you could not accept, a sorry that failed to comfort you?
Because the last time you saw me Is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them there to die
As humans, our most fundamental need is to feel safe. Our second most fundamental need is to feel loved, and when we hurt our people, these two instincts go at war with each other. No wonder we would rather bask in our defences than apologise—we don’t want to be punished, shamed, reprimanded or shunned for doing wrong, causing pain. We don’t want to see them hurting either, do we? And more than that, we don’t want a guilty conscience. So we must muster the strength and utter words of apology.
So most likely, we’ve given a few failed apologies too. Apologies fail when:
…intentions start defending actions.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I didn’t mean to hurt you, was just joking…
But you just made fun of your friend for being cheated on in the past. Or you laughed at them for fancying someone they admitted was out of their league. Or you told aloud a personal secret they had confided in you. You chose to be funny at their expense.
How will our intention fix things when our actions have done the damage?
…we use past acts of love as currency to redeem ourselves.
I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about this, but why do you forget all that we’ve shared? Do you think it can vanish just like that…
But they just called you after their biggest achievement, and you could not talk then. You said you would definitely call on the weekend, but you forgot. And like that, so many times, you have forgotten. Your conversations are so infrequent they think twice before feeling bad about something. They don’t know when next you shall talk and how long they will have to carry the hurt. Even when you do talk, you are closed to them, and they feel it. Life has happened, and there’s so much to catch up on, but a freezing weariness takes over every time, and hurtful small talk is all that happens.
It is not vanishing, just like that. It’s dying slowly. The world is so restless and random that things and people change constantly. Oxymoron, yes, but true. So when our friends and family fear that bonds might weaken, memories can only ever assure so much.
…there is no change effected.
I’m sorry you feel hurt, but I have always been like this. I can’t change myself, just like that…
So it will happen again. Tomorrow. Day after tomorrow. Five days later? Their hurt has become collateral damage to actions you would not make any efforts to change. So they must make peace with it or leave?
Although, that begs the question—what should we apologize for? What does changing that behaviour cost us? Does it make us better or take away something very fundamental to us? We must never change something that causes the latter, and we must never apologize for something we cannot change.
But if it’s the former, we have only ourselves to blame.
…they become less about them and more about us.
Why are you feeling like this? You know you’re so important to me, one of my closest people. I always talk about you to everyone. Everyone who knows me knows you…
They are not feeling important, though, and they are already giving enough explanations to themselves on your behalf. Most likely, they also feel guilty for failing to feel important when you keep telling them it’s true.
Maybe they do not need you to talk to your friends about them. Maybe they just want you to figure out which songs to play when they’re down, remember their choices in coffee and cafés, or read their proses and discuss with them.
Apologies are yet another act of love, and we each only feel love when given in very specific ways.
…the knife, we say, is not in our hands.
I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. You’re such a nice human being; I’m such a horrible person. I don’t deserve to have good people like you…
What should they do now, console you? Talk you out of your guilt? Convince you what you say about yourself is not true? Or should they have known you were like that? They invested in you, so their fault? When we blame our most fundamental behaviours for something, we release ourselves from its responsibility. And in doing so, we leave our precious people abandoned when hurt.
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't So if the chain is on your door, I understand
Apologies fail when we start seeking forgiveness or trying to mend things without letting our guard down. We often tend to offer them only pieces of our vulnerability and intent, which manage to filter through our protective walls. And they may have to walk halfway to collect and settle for them. Oftentimes, these guards of ours resemble ego.
Apologies fail when they are filtered because they are an act of love. And love needs vulnerability, intent, presence and accountability.
Image Credits: Raphael Lovaski
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