I like to think of myself as a deep thinker. Yet, I do not know what it means to find yourself.
What I know for sure is that people feel this incessant urge to find themselves in the wake of tragedy. And they may call it finding their true self, when in reality, they are just holding angst against the version of themselves that let tragedy happen to them, for it helps them stay in control.
Grieving does not come very naturally to most people. Most people do not know when their grief turns into anger (the second stage) and when they direct a part of it towards themselves. They will nit-pick every flaw they may find in themselves and decide to undergo a metamorphosis to eliminate all of them. Much like – I’m so lonely after they left because I do not like my own company. So, I will travel the world solo until I start doing so. They will call it self-improvement or self-love, but is it not just self-abandonment?
What I know is that metamorphosis may not always be the answer, and neither is asserting control over what you’re feeling. Grief demands you to acknowledge it, feel it, and express it without judgment, not to anyone else but to yourself. Grief comes and goes like a wave in five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people don’t allow themselves to feel these things because it takes vulnerability and surrender to do so. They will stay stuck in stage 2 and dream of a metamorphosis they will someday be prepared to undergo. Until enough time has passed, until the grief has softened enough for them to believe they have reached stage 5.
And then all it will take is one jerk, one trigger, and bam!
The only way past is through, and this through need not always be all serious. Sometimes, the through can be composing a song asking them to fuck off and singing it to their voice-mail. Other times, it can be bustling all the embarrassing, guilty pleasures you have in the name of your music library in your earphones and rejoicing in the fact that nobody has to understand why you like them. Yet other times, it can be dancing to those songs in the middle of a club that only plays pop-culture hits, sharing earphones with a stranger who just seemed to see you beside your pain.
Whatever, you get it.
Healing from tragedy doesn’t always have to be serious. All it takes is for you to see yourself.
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